EDITION #1305
This issue 5ยข
We're not new News, we're News Thats Used
Tomorrow is Tuesday January 21, 2020
This is day 20 of 2020

Funnies → Bar Jokes

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next ...

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Fun Book Titles

  • Shipwrecked!
    - by Mandy Lifeboats
  • At the South Pole
    - by Anne Tarctic
  • The Big Bang
    - Dina Mite
  • The Worst Journey in the World
    - by Helen Back
  • My Favourite Sweets
    - by Annie Seedball

Did you Know

  • Cold water weighs more than hot water.
  • The Pope does not receive salary.
  • On average women can hear better than men.
  • It takes up to four hours to hard boil an ostrich egg.
  • A U.S. dime has 118 ridges around the edge, a U.S. quarter has 119.
  • A volcano has enough power to shoot ash as high as 50km into the atmosphere.

Aardvark Funnies

  • What does an aardvark get when he overeats?
    Ant-digestion!
  • What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan?
    A lardvark!
  • What does the aardvark call his dog?
    Aard-bark!
  • What are the aardvarks favorite Beatles songs?
    It's Been an Aards Days Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!
  • What do you call an aardvark outside Buckingham Palace?
    A guardvark!

Good Question

  • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
  • Why, if the best things in life are free, the next-best things are so expensive?
  • Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • If a word in a dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
  • Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?

Funnies → Aviation

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and ...

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Humourous Statements

  • Thursday night is Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

    Filed Under: → Church Notices

  • The Minister unveiled the Church's new donations campaign last Sunday: "I upped my Pledge - Up Yours".

    Filed Under: → Church Notices

Quotes

  • If you had the seeds of pestilence in your body you would not have a more active contagion that you have in your tempers, tastes, and principles. Simply to be in this world, whatever you are, is to exert an influence, compared with which mere language and persuasion are feeble.
    - Horace Bushnell, American Congregational Minister and Theologian

    Filed Under: → Religion

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Good Question

  • If necessity is the mother of invention, why does so much unnecessary stuff get invented?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
  • What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
  • Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo. How come nobody will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down?
  • If love is blind, why is Lingerie so popular?